Thursday, January 26, 2012

Sex and Communication... who needs it....I DO!


I have a wonderful husband whom I adore.  No seriously, he is a friggin riot and makes me laugh every single day.  We really get along pretty good and like spending time together.  I miss him. Oh, don’t get me wrong he lives here with me and does not travel or go anywhere.  He works somewhat normal hours. Some days are better than others but he is usually gone for about 10 hours a day.  When he is here, there is so much going on and a lot to do: dinner, homework, baths, bedtime, etc.  On the weekends, there is always something going on.  We always say we are going to spend time together after the kids go to bed.  But we are in a rut of having to sit in the 3 year old’s bedroom until he falls asleep and then escorting him back into the bed every few hours throughout the night. The 8 year old is jealous of the 3 year old and wants attention too.   When the kids are finally asleep, one of us is usually asleep also.  
My husband gets up really early for work so in the evening he falls out pretty early.  It gets so bad sometimes that we forget to tell each other things that have happened to us throughout the week.  We spend a lot of time catching each other up on our individual lives.  When we do try to have conversations the children are a real pain in the ass.  Their father’s attention is a hot commodity in this household.  They will do anything to be near him, talk to him, play with him, impress him, or just be in his presence.  This makes for difficulties when he and I try to talk.  If he hugs or kisses me in their presence, they laugh, attack us and yell at me to “get off daddy!”  He does enjoy spending time with them and if I am in a "mood," he would RATHER spend time with them.  That works out nicely because I am usually in a “mood” BECAUSE of them.
The hubby and I want to spend some quiet time together having a grown ass conversation without having to censor ourselves. You know the conversation when you have to speak of people in code names, hold back true feelings (i.e. cursing) or completely postponing the the topic.  I can’t tell you how many times the we say to each other.  “Holy shit, remind me to tell you what so and so said/my boss did/what I saw/what Howard Stern was talking about.”   Then we usually forget or just don’t have the energy to talk about it later.  
All you ever hear is how important communication is in a relationship.  Yea, do these people have any suggestions as to how to do this with kids?  I know I have heard, “schedule time together.”  How does that help with the kids always up our ass?  Should we lock them, the dog and the cat in a room and let them fend for themselves so we can communicate?  I am not about to get a babysitter, because I don’t want to GO anywhere.  I don’t want to have to get dressed and spend money that we don’t have just to talk.  
I have not even mentioned sex yet!  I miss sex, we both do!  Whoever said that women can go without it and not have a problem, weren’t doing it right.  It IS a problem.  The hubby and I usually have high aspirations early in the day.  Giving each other looks like, ‘Oh you just wait.’  The hubby will clean up or make dinner (this is foreplay in my book.)  Then by the time the day is over and the kids are finally asleep.  We look at each other and instead of ‘Oh you just wait’ it is more like “Oh, yeah, you...... ((big sigh)) can you just wait?”  I mean sometimes I can rally.  But other times we just smile and say, “Oh well.  Let’s try again tomorrow.”  

It is like exercising.  I love to work out, it makes me feel good, during and after.  It is the motivation to get started that causes problems.   Then the act itself involves a lot of preparation.  First I have to make sure the kids are sound asleep.  I sneak down the hall and close their doors, then we have to close and lock our door.  Then and only then can anything happen and that is somewhat stifled, if you know what I mean.   Remember spontaneous sex?  No, neither do I.  It was long ago and far away.  We keep talking about getting away together for a long weekend.   Even then there is concern. There was a time when hotel sex was hot, now it just kinda skeeves me thinking about who was doing what, when and where in that room.  I am always checking for bed bugs and spraying lysol all over everything.  I know.... I am a little up tight..... There is a REASON for that!!!!  HELP! Anyone else out there struggling with this.... anyone.... anyone..... Bueller?

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Love this blog. So honest. I believe that most parents deal with this. I have said to my husband before that "I miss us." Try to find the time. Easier said than done, for sure with activities and early AM alarms during the week. Hang in there. A date night where the kids are gone with someone else overnight is sorely needed. Do that and you will recharge. I promise. We did that for our anniversary. All I have to say is that there was no need to close or lock ANY doors -that night OR the next morning ;0)

Momma said...

Thank you for the advise! Also thanks for reading and commenting on my blog! It is a real thrill to find that people like it! I humbly thank you.

Anonymous said...

So right there with you. (BTW-I match much of your description of yourself-right down to the zoloft!!) thanks for writing such an honest piece. We have 4 kids ages 4 to 13. I often say my hubby and I are 2 ships passing in the night, if i even see him. We, too, often fall asleep with a kid, sitting at the computer trying to pay bills, or attempting to watch a movie together once kids are asleep. If we are just gonna sleep we'd rather be in our bed!! My mom says the days are long about the years are short when you have children. I fear they will be grown and gone before we know it and we will have time/energy for sex and talk and miss these days. Its comforting to know Im not alone and Im not doing something wrong!! Not really words of advice but maybe some comfort?!?

Momma said...

Thanks so much. It is nice to know we are not alone! So glad you like the post. What a great saying from your mom! I have not heard that one before, but I will have to share it now. Thanks again for reading my blog!

Anonymous said...

Sorry about the typo. U probably have figured it out, but my mom says the DAYS ARE LONG BUT THE YEARS ARE SHORT when you have children. Oops!!

CherryBlossom said...

Oh Lordy....i am a divorcing woman....there has been no ship passing in the night for a looooong time and certainly none docking in the harbor. Sigh.

Becky said...

So we have one, which makes it easier, but still tricky. We will plop her in front of a movie, send her off to a friend's, we've even been known to lock her outside for some of that alone time.

Momma said...
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Momma said...

Any way we can get it! lol. Thanks for the comment. It is always nice to know we are not alone in this!

denise said...

I was cracking up at your description at foreplay ! I've been saying for years that I still get butterflies for my husband, but for different things now, like when he notices something I've done out of the ordinary, or if HE'S done something out of the ordinary (insert any chore that is dreaded). I know you have a 3 year old, so it's tougher, mine are 6 and 8 so our "spontaneous" times are often during the day, on the weekends, while they are outside playing with the neighbors. "Foreplay" consists of a glance at each other, a look at the clock, and a mad rush for the bedroom, lock door, disrobe and....well, you get the idea :) We both are cracking up at the reality of it, and sometimes I think that the fact that we are at least still making an effort to have sex is in itself, a good thing. We may not be experiencing the same "hot, crazy sex" of our earlier years, but the "quickies" that we manage to get in, can still share intimacy, just differently.
I laugh because your title makes me think about our communication during sex, which now consists of, "Do we have time for..." "Want me to....or just....?" To some it may seem like rushed, hurried, "let's just do it to get it done" sex, but honestly, it really never seems like that because of the level of intimacy we've achieved, which is marked by our frank, candid discussions of maximizing our time behind closed doors.
Love your blogs !!!! I feel like we are such kindred spirits :)

Denise

Momma said...

Thanks Denise! And I hear you about not having time for innuendo. Straightforward communication is key when you have limited time and energy! It does not take away the intimacy, it can enhance it! Thanks for commenting! Glad you like the blog.