“Wow, look at your ass!”
First thought was, what did I sit in? Then I thought of the last time my hub said this. Almost 9 years ago, when I was pregnant with our First Born. After his comment, I looked in the mirror and said, “WHOA! What the hell? Why didn’t you tell me it got this big?” He responded, “I thought you knew.”
So It was 7am on a Saturday and I was standing at the counter fixing my 3rd cup of coffee. I turned to look him in the eye, and said “What about my ass?” and.... now wait.... ladies, friends and fellow moms, please don’t think that my husband is the complete asshole he is about to sound like. It is his own form of entertainment to have me completely lose my shit. He says all these things with an adorable smile on his face and then waits for the storm. I have learned to not cater to it and just role my eyes and laugh with him. But this was not that kind of morning.
“What about my ass?” I said, in an - aren’t you starting a little friggin early today - tone. He says, “NO, it looks hot. I mean it’s back.” I respond, “What do you mean it’s back?” He said, “Your ass, pow, like the original bill of sale, when we first met.” I had to put my eyes back in my head and restrain myself from getting the kitchen knife that was within my reach and carving out his tongue. My blood was seriously boiling and I said, “ORIGINAL BILL OF SALE?, Are you fucking kidding me? You just said that?” He was laughing now as he had achieved his mission and continued further with , “Yea, it was like bait, switch, bait. We are back to bait, pretty nice.” I was trying so hard to just laugh this off and see that he was trying to be funny with his backhanded complement. But I couldn’t. I mean he said ‘BILL OF SALE!... Bait switch bait!’ He thinks because he listens to Howard Stern, he is actually on the show! I had just had sex with him the night before too! I wanted to take it back!
As I am typing this I have almost squashed this story about 5 times. I so don’t want people thinking he is this big of a dick. He really is a great guy. You have to understand where we grew up. The more you hammer someone, the more you verbally put them down and make fun of them, especially in a crowd, it shows how much more you love them. I am not saying it is healthy, but sometimes we revert back to it, because it is so much fun. No, it really is fun and hysterical especially when we are with friends. Just not for me that morning.
I had no response that would work without the kids catching wind of it. I had already dropped the f-bomb and they were somewhat within earshot. I did not want to do further damage... to them. He watched me turn about 3 different colors of red then I regained composure. Because I have been eating better and working out (not consistently, but getting there) I know that I am looking a little better. I am definitely feeling better about the way my clothes are fitting and not having to put on Spanx to walk out the door. In what way could I use this to my advantage and make him eat his words?
I smiled and sweetly said, “Thank you dear, I did not know you noticed.” Then stared wistfully in the air (I actually forced myself to think of Johnny Depp, just to complete the effect) He looked at me and slowly stopped laughing. His eyes got wider as he watched me. Sheepishly he says, “Uh, so, uh, who are you trying to bait?”
Ah, Touche! Mission Accomplished.