Sunday, July 8, 2012

Depression


Depression sucks ass.  I hate it with every fiber of my being.  It creeps up like a fucking python.  At first, it’s hug is a familiar comfort. It stays that way for long enough for me to be content with it and carry it with ease.  Then it ever so slightly starts to squeeze.  Not enough for me to be afraid, just a bit annoyed. As I walk with that annoyance it continues it’s patient and relentless tightening.  Meanwhile I am starting to realize that I am taking this annoyance out on those around me, followed by the heart wrenching guilt that they are suffering because of me.  Then, when I am tossing and turning at night or am busying myself so that I don’t have to face sleep, or when I am fighting back tears at commercials, it has me.  
My life - the one I worked so hard to get and even harder to keep - is slowly being squeezed out of me.  This is where the rage comes in.  This is where that filthy constricting snake angers me to no limit.  I start to hate. Rage. Panic. Hate. Everything is against me.  Everyone is against me.  Everyone I know and love has something I don’t.  Peace.  No one can see the snake.  No one can release it.  I unleash my rage on the inside, trying with all that I am, not to let it out on my loves.  I don’t want it to touch those I love.  I unleash my rage inside which is what the snake wants.  It feeds slowly off of this rage and grows.  It makes me it’s slave. It’s host.  As I unleash more rage and anger it grows and tightens and grows and tightens.  I need help. No one can know. No one will understand. I must be in control. I am losing. I am suffocating.  
I stop.  I sit.  I breathe. I recognize. I cry.  Let go of the anger.  It is not my fault.  I did not invite the beast.  I did not recognize it at first.  It is not my fault.  I will not allow it to feed on my anger.  I will no longer supply it.  
I stop. I sit. I breathe. I have so much going for me.  I am surrounded by beauty and love and acceptance.  This was not always the case, but it is where I am right now. I can not dwell in the past nor worry about the future.  I am here - now.  
I have the love of my life.  That love between he and I have created even greater loves.  Those precious ones are the most wonderful additions to my life.  They are happy.  They are healthy.  They are life.  They are deserving of all of me.  I am deserving of all of me.  Depression does not deserve even a morsel of me.  
I know I need help.  I remember that there is medication that helps.  I am supposed to take it every day and I have been forgetting.  The only time I don’t need to take it is when I am exercising every day and I have not been exercising.   
I stop. I sit.  I breathe. I take my 75mg of Zoloft.  I make a plan.  Even on vacation, I will exercise, even if it is just walking.  When I feel the anger, when I feel like I have to “correct” someone or something, when I feel the need to anticipate a problem, when I start to become complacent with the smallest tightening I will stop. 
I stop. I sit. I breathe.  I will not beat myself up if I don’t stick to my plan, but I will try.  
I will stop. I will sit. I will breathe. I will appreciate. I will feel the love.   


**Addendum: I have been receiving a lot of great feedback from this piece.  Thank you so much for all the love.  I must also add that in addition to exercise and medication I also have an amazing therapist.  I do not see her regularly, but I go in for "tune-ups" now and again.  I truly believe in therapy.  An independent, unbiased ear is essential.  Thank you all again for reading.**

9 comments:

F said...

Depression sucks the big one and I am so sorry you are fighting this. Been there and am there again, myself. Doing the drug thing as well. Prozac is what helps me. I first got hit before George was born, big time. I knew I was sinking again with all of this stuff with my dad.
Drugs are good. Talking (or writing) is good. Exercise is great. (which I am not doing at the moment but I have a plan)
Take the drugs. Talk and cry with your fella. I will send a long distance hug and wish for that snake to be gone from you.

Momma said...

Thanks F! Love to you too. I am sorry that you are fighting this as well. With everything you have going on right now, it is no wonder. I was also on Prozac before Sammy was born and went off when I was pregnant. Then since I was breastfeeding after Sammy I switched to Zoloft because it supposedly did not show up in breast milk as much as prozac did. Either way, use what works. I have gotten so much positive personal feedback from this on. Mostly in my inbox or e-mail. It is still a subject that can be taboo. Thanks for the love, F.

Bethany said...

I love how vulnerable you are in this post. It's so authentic. Someone with heart disease can't control his heart condition any more than you can control your depression. The mind is much more sophisticated and complex than the body. It's a shame that everyone isn't as brave and forthcoming as you are about it. I think people would be surprised by how prevalent depression is. Which makes it not uncommon. Which makes it normal. Which leads to acceptance. And support. Exercise is enormous. It's SO hard to stick to it during the summer when the routine is anything but a routine. One day at a time. One breath at a time. Very proud of you for writing about something so personal. XO

Momma said...

Thank you so much for your kindness and comment. I have gotten so many great responses to this piece. It was written in a very vulnerable state and I am glad I did it. There are so many that don't understand depression and if it helps just one person understand I am thankful. XO right back at ya!

Erin said...

Hang in there, Momma. You could not have been more real than you were in this writing. Depression sucks the life from its victims....every single time.
Hugs

Momma said...

Thanks so much Erin. I am doing really well. I am definitely not in the place I was when writing it. Just writing and putting it out there like that, has helped. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

Carrie's Just Mildly Medicated said...

I feel this way about my chronic illness. Thank you so much for sharing!
I look forward to getting lost in your blog today ;)
Carrie from http://justmildlymedicated.blogspot.com/

Momma said...

Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting, Carrie.

https://www.depressiona.com said...

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