Friday, August 24, 2012

Premature Intoxication


While this story is so sad and so pathetic, I have to say that the embarrassment is starting to wear off.  It may take a long time, but it is slowly going away.  Like faint tan lines that you still notice in January, or bits of that toe nail polish that is still there and you can’t even remember when you last painted your toes, or your husband’s hair line.  It is slowly fading.  What will not fade is my disappointment in myself.  That seems to grow.  

Let me set up the days preceding the event.  I wanted to celebrate turning 40 and did not want my husband or best friend J, to have to plan anything.  I did not want to put them through the trouble of organizing an... I am a control freak.  I thought it would be fun to get old and new friends together at an old friend’s bar.  His place is very casual, lots of fun and draws a diverse crowd.  I planned a “facebook event” and invited a wonderful group of people. 

In preparation, I tried to coordinate transportation for those who were traveling from an hour away.  I spoke to my friend who owns the bar about getting some sort of drink special and letting me purchase apps for my guests.  I agonized about whether I was being too tacky, throwing my OWN birthday party.  Ok I did not agonize, it was brought to my attention by a friend, and I thought about it for about 3 minutes.  I sent reminders on facebook.  I bought myself a really cute outfit, complete with platform wedges. I got a mani/pedi. I got my hair done.  My excitement grew.  Not only was I going to connect/reconnect with great friends. I was getting a night out, with NO responsibilities, No kids, no curfews, no driving, no worries!  Therein lies the problem.  It turns out I don’t know how to act when that scenario pans out.  

I have written other blogs here that have extolled my constant worrying. My monotonous daily life as a mother.  How I may lose my shit at timesHow I need sex.  SO when these kids obstacles are removed, I am a bit out of my element. It wasn’t that long ago I was single with no children.  The only thing I owned was my beat up car, my clothes and really, really cute shoes.  I would go out socially a lot.  In my late 20s, I never had a real problem with having a great time and still maintaining an outward appearance of having my shit together.  There were times that I over consumed, acted rowdy, made poor choices, BUT I was in my teens and 20s.  I did these irresponsible things when I had no real responsibilities.  Those days seem so vastly far away and my memories of those nights out, are vague at best.  

Now when I go out, there are usually, kid menus to consider, bed times to think about and potty runs to navigate.  If there is alcohol, there is a level stare between the Hub and myself that says, “Are you driving or am I?”  I am usually offering to drive.   So a night of potential, uninhibited, reckless, abandon is not what I am used to or apparently can be trusted with.  

I turned 40 on Thursday.  On Friday we meet up with my parents and my grandmother, who turned 92 that day.  We had a wonderful meal, good wine and the best part, the kids, went home with my parents!  YAY, they were staying with them for 2 nights!  I was giddy.  The Hub and I thoroughly enjoyed our alone time that evening.  As the Hub would say “I got your 50 shades right here!”  Too much? Sorry.   

Saturday was the day of the event.  Although there was only one other couple from my neighborhood going downtown with us, the Hub convinced me to get a limo.  I have been in a limo one other time in my life and that was my wedding day 11 years ago.  What a blast.  I was excited throughout the day.  I exercised. I only had 2 bowls of cereal and about 4 cups of coffee since I was planning on eating tons of fattening bar food all night and did not want to burst the seams of my new outfit. I got my hair done and put makeup on.  I don’t usually put on any more than eye liner, blush and mascara.  But, I bought eye shadow.  I was going for a “smokey” eye but kept looking like I was just in the ring with Rocky.  After many tries and quite a while with some practice, I got it right.  My outfit was exactly what I had searched for.  I looked good and felt even better.   Our friends from our neighborhood and the limo showed up at the same time.  I kept asking the Hub, ‘Do I need anything?  Did you check the doors?  Is Dog in her crate?  Is Cat fed?’ He looked at me an said, “Relax! Everything is taken care of!”  I scooted into the limo and here is where everything went wrong.  Terribly, terribly wrong.  

Champagne.  I have had glasses at weddings.  I have sipped on New Years Eve.  There was one time, on our honeymoon, on a vineyard in Italy, when we split a bottle of their sparkling wine.  Hub said I just giggled, and went to bed and awoke the next morning feeling nothing but hungry.   In the limo, the Hub opened one of three bottles of Champagne.  Here is what happened in my brain the rest of the night. (My brain looks like this and what actually came out of my mouth looks like this.)


‘Mmmm, champagne, pretty tasty.  Who knew?  Not bad at all.  I can’t wait to get some chicken wings, fries, ooh I hope they have potato skins with little bacon....ooohh, shrimp lejon.  That would be awesome.  Wow, this is almost like ginger ale.  Why are these glasses so skinny? Obviously not meant for people with noses like mine.  It is going down nice and easy! Oh there is another bottle, sure open it up.  It’s my birthday! 

“This is MY JAM!”   

‘Oh I look good!  My husband is so so funny.  OMG, my friends Katie and G, are soo so funny.  Well, I think I am the funniest!  This ride is AWESOME!  I am in a friggin LIMO!  Drinkin' Champagne!  WTF!  This is..... 

‘Sure we can open that last bottle.  I am feeling GREAT.”

I only had what?  Four glasses?  That can’t be bad, look how skinny these glasses are?  

“OH we are HERE!  WOOO HOOO, it’s my BIRTHDAY!”

‘There is Cousin Steph and her funny, funny boyfriend. And Cousin Jeff and his camera!  MY BEST FREIND J and A!  OH More great friends K and D!  

“OH thanks, a shot? OH my I haven’t had a shot in years, OK!  Sure you can buy me a drink!” 

‘What is it? I am just gonna sit here his lap.....woops I am sorry I spilled that, WOA, better stand. OMG it is my fb blogger friend! I AM SO excited to see... WOW she is tall and sooo pretty and look at her hubby!  Wow they are pretty people. I can’t believe they came.....I am so happy to see...... WOAHhhh, I don’t feel so good.  What did I just say to them?  Am I making sense?...... I shouldn't be talking.... bathroom..... must..... get to.... bathroom..... 

“OH Hi, yeah I will be right out.”

‘Pee, once I pee I will feel better.  OH I should not have sat down.  Maybe if I just shut my eyes for a minute......  UH Oh someone is knocking... I am in here, be right out.... why won’t words come out of my mouth.  Oh NO!  I am going to hurl!  NO no no no!  Don’t open mouth..... NO no no no no!  I can hear voices of my friends J and D and my good friend M.  When did she get here?  She is talking to my new blogger friend.  OH NO! please don’t let the blogger friend see me like this..... NOnononononononononononononnoooo!  I can’t be this drunk!  I just got here!  Good GOD, what the fuck was I thinking? Katie, is that you?  Are you ok, did I just kick you? HUB is in the Bathroom.  OH THANK SWEET JESUS!  HUB Get me out of here! No, I can’t talk.  Let me just shut my eyes!  Is there a back door! ....Thank God you are here. No I am not ok...... stop telling me to talk! I am gonna ........I am so sorry I just hurled on your shoes!  OH NO, GET everyone out of here.  Did they see me hurl? Can’t I wait until closing?  I will be fine right here!  I swear.  NO I don’t need to go to the hospital.  I did NOT pass out, I am just tired!  I am so so tired.  OK yes, let’s go outside, I can’t bear to see anyone! Where is the zipper on these shorts? Please just get me home.  GET ME HOME!  Wait, were is the cute belt for my shorts?  Is there puke on me?  Who put my hair in a scrunchy?  OH NO, on the way out.  Please don’t anyone see me.... EVERYONE FRIGGIN SEES ME! How can they NOT see me I am climbing into a huge white LIMO!  Ah Limo, nice cool..... so much more comfortable.... shut the door..... hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again’

That was it.  Fin.  I awoke in my bed, at 2am wearing underwear and my adorable new blouse.   I sat bolt upright and looked around.  I was completely sober and a bit nauseous.  NO!!!! I did NOT just miss my party!  OH MY GOD! I JUST MISSED MY PARTY!  I SUCK!  I started texting apologies.  I got on facebook and started messaging apologies.  OH NO Did I kick my friend Katie in the bathroom?  OH NO The blogger friend.  She never met me in person until NOW!  I will never hear from her again!  Who else was there?  Everything was so fuzzy. My memory was not working!  

It turns out that I missed seeing about 12-15 people who came to see me!  I felt mortified!  Luckily most of them were old friends.  Many started out at St. Alice Grade school together.  It was a reunion of sorts, since we don’t get together like we used to.  Well it was a reunion for them.   It turns out St. Alice alumni are tight.  They were kinder to me than they ought to have been.  There has even been talk of a “do-over.”   All my friends texted, messaged or called me to tell me that although it sucked that I did not get to hang out with everyone, not to sweat it.  My friend Jim was the one to point out, the fact that I am NOT a drinker is actually a good thing.  My Best Friend J told me she loved me.  My good friend M and her husband J who drove an hour and did not even get to hang out with me, still like me!  OH and my blogger friend , one of the best story tellers I have read, messaged me saying not to worry! She is still communicating with me!  (Btw - read her blog) Another couple has already set up a date for dinner. How amazing are these people?  I can’t even begin to thank them.  

I now feel akin to unfortunate guys, who will remain nameless, who “finish” before they start, jump the gun, so to speak.   I am sure they are mortified and I understand their pain now.  I got pretty well tanked on the ride downtown in the limo. There is a reason for that. I am not a drinker. It only took about 4 glasses of champagne. Premature Intoxication, if you will.  There was no need to go any further, drink wise.  

My whole thought process was skewed:  
When would I have another opportunity to have a “no worries” night?  
When would be able to have fun with so many great people?  
How often do I get into the city that I miss being in?  
Let’s live it up while we can and party like we are 20 again! 
Wrong.  All. Wrong.  
Result: My reckless abandon, cost me a great night with great people and I am no longer 20.  
Moral of the story:  Build up a tolerance before a night of binge drinking!  NO, I am kidding.  Just slow your roll.  If my BFF J or my good friend M were in the limo with me, they would have put the hammer down.  The Hub should have done that, but he was as giddy as I was.  And although I was pissed at him for letting me drink so much, I did get him back by hurling on him.  He was also sweet and endearing when he squeezed into that tiny bathroom stall and stayed with me until I could get up.  

So for all you moms out there who are getting a “no worries” night out, prevent premature intoxication.  Enjoy it, ALL of it, but in order to do that, take it slow, backpedal, pump the brakes, and use the buddy system.  Friends don’t let friends who are 40 act like they are 20, no matter how good they look!  Mazel Tov!

8 comments:

Becky said...

At least you see the humor in it. Happy Birthday. 40 is when you really stop giving a shit, so you do this at your 50th birthday and you won't be nearly as embarrassed.

Momma said...

Thanks Becky! It took a few days to see the humor, but I definitely do now! Maybe I should start planning for the 50th!

Anonymous said...

That's why us "country girls" drink a beer every night... We are called PREPPERS! lol.... Also helps with the sanity --- love Cori

Tracy said...

Champagne is sneaky like that. Unlike tequila which is just plain evil and has been known to cause people to streak. During parents weekend at my college. Across the quad. At 3pm.
Tracy @ Momaical

Momma said...

Drinking everyday is not an option for me. But thanks for the tip! lol! Thanks for reading and the love!

Momma said...

NICE!!!! That had to be an epic weekend! Yes, tequila is a very direct line from fun to criminal. Where Champagne was more of a winding fuzzy line from fun to mortified. Thanks for reading! I love your blog too!

Bethany Meyer said...

I am FINALLY able to sit and read without interruption! First of all, thank you for the wonderful compliments about my appearance, my hubby and my writing. I'm only 5'5", I had 4 inch platform heels on that night. Second, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I urinated in public that night. On the drive home from your party. Allegedly on my kids' school property, but I won't admit to anything unless a surveillance video surfaces. I had to go really badly, and I watered their school garden this summer, and I expected the tomatoes were ready for picking. They were not in fact ready for picking. Finally, I also used the bathroom at the bar. And I was in the stall next to you when your hubs came in. And it brings tears to my eyes even now to remember how tenderly he spoke to you. "It's OK. It's OK, babe. It's OK." It is OK. We Moms get a break from our lives so infrequently. And sometimes we're overserved. You have the love and support of your best friend, who will spend the next 40 years with you...loving you, and reminding you always that it's OK. XOXOXO

Momma said...

You are too kind! I don't know how you have time to read ANYTHING, let alone my blog!

BTW - I also had on 4 inch platform heels so it all evens out! lol I am REALLY short!

Yes the Hub is kinda great. I can't complain.

Thanks again for reading and commenting. It was an interesting night to say the least and I am glad you got to meet my friend Michele!