Friday, August 24, 2012

Premature Intoxication

While this story is so sad and so pathetic, I have to say that the embarrassment is starting to wear off.  It may take a long time, but it is slowly going away.  Like faint tan lines that you still notice in January, or bits of that toe nail polish that is still there and you can’t even remember when you last painted your toes, or your husband’s hair line.  It is slowly fading.  What will not fade is my disappointment in myself.  That seems to grow.  

Let me set up the days preceding the event.  I wanted to celebrate turning 40 and did not want my husband or best friend J, to have to plan anything.  I did not want to put them through the trouble of organizing an... I am a control freak.  I thought it would be fun to get old and new friends together at an old friend’s bar.  His place is very casual, lots of fun and draws a diverse crowd.  I planned a “facebook event” and invited a wonderful group of people. 

In preparation, I tried to coordinate transportation for those who were traveling from an hour away.  I spoke to my friend who owns the bar about getting some sort of drink special and letting me purchase apps for my guests.  I agonized about whether I was being too tacky, throwing my OWN birthday party.  Ok I did not agonize, it was brought to my attention by a friend, and I thought about it for about 3 minutes.  I sent reminders on facebook.  I bought myself a really cute outfit, complete with platform wedges. I got a mani/pedi. I got my hair done.  My excitement grew.  Not only was I going to connect/reconnect with great friends. I was getting a night out, with NO responsibilities, No kids, no curfews, no driving, no worries!  Therein lies the problem.  It turns out I don’t know how to act when that scenario pans out.  

I have written other blogs here that have extolled my constant worrying. My monotonous daily life as a mother.  How I may lose my shit at timesHow I need sex.  SO when these kids obstacles are removed, I am a bit out of my element. It wasn’t that long ago I was single with no children.  The only thing I owned was my beat up car, my clothes and really, really cute shoes.  I would go out socially a lot.  In my late 20s, I never had a real problem with having a great time and still maintaining an outward appearance of having my shit together.  There were times that I over consumed, acted rowdy, made poor choices, BUT I was in my teens and 20s.  I did these irresponsible things when I had no real responsibilities.  Those days seem so vastly far away and my memories of those nights out, are vague at best.  

Now when I go out, there are usually, kid menus to consider, bed times to think about and potty runs to navigate.  If there is alcohol, there is a level stare between the Hub and myself that says, “Are you driving or am I?”  I am usually offering to drive.   So a night of potential, uninhibited, reckless, abandon is not what I am used to or apparently can be trusted with.  

I turned 40 on Thursday.  On Friday we meet up with my parents and my grandmother, who turned 92 that day.  We had a wonderful meal, good wine and the best part, the kids, went home with my parents!  YAY, they were staying with them for 2 nights!  I was giddy.  The Hub and I thoroughly enjoyed our alone time that evening.  As the Hub would say “I got your 50 shades right here!”  Too much? Sorry.   

Saturday was the day of the event.  Although there was only one other couple from my neighborhood going downtown with us, the Hub convinced me to get a limo.  I have been in a limo one other time in my life and that was my wedding day 11 years ago.  What a blast.  I was excited throughout the day.  I exercised. I only had 2 bowls of cereal and about 4 cups of coffee since I was planning on eating tons of fattening bar food all night and did not want to burst the seams of my new outfit. I got my hair done and put makeup on.  I don’t usually put on any more than eye liner, blush and mascara.  But, I bought eye shadow.  I was going for a “smokey” eye but kept looking like I was just in the ring with Rocky.  After many tries and quite a while with some practice, I got it right.  My outfit was exactly what I had searched for.  I looked good and felt even better.   Our friends from our neighborhood and the limo showed up at the same time.  I kept asking the Hub, ‘Do I need anything?  Did you check the doors?  Is Dog in her crate?  Is Cat fed?’ He looked at me an said, “Relax! Everything is taken care of!”  I scooted into the limo and here is where everything went wrong.  Terribly, terribly wrong.  

Champagne.  I have had glasses at weddings.  I have sipped on New Years Eve.  There was one time, on our honeymoon, on a vineyard in Italy, when we split a bottle of their sparkling wine.  Hub said I just giggled, and went to bed and awoke the next morning feeling nothing but hungry.   In the limo, the Hub opened one of three bottles of Champagne.  Here is what happened in my brain the rest of the night. (My brain looks like this and what actually came out of my mouth looks like this.)

‘Mmmm, champagne, pretty tasty.  Who knew?  Not bad at all.  I can’t wait to get some chicken wings, fries, ooh I hope they have potato skins with little bacon....ooohh, shrimp lejon.  That would be awesome.  Wow, this is almost like ginger ale.  Why are these glasses so skinny? Obviously not meant for people with noses like mine.  It is going down nice and easy! Oh there is another bottle, sure open it up.  It’s my birthday! 

“This is MY JAM!”   

‘Oh I look good!  My husband is so so funny.  OMG, my friends Katie and G, are soo so funny.  Well, I think I am the funniest!  This ride is AWESOME!  I am in a friggin LIMO!  Drinkin' Champagne!  WTF!  This is..... 

‘Sure we can open that last bottle.  I am feeling GREAT.”

I only had what?  Four glasses?  That can’t be bad, look how skinny these glasses are?  

“OH we are HERE!  WOOO HOOO, it’s my BIRTHDAY!”

‘There is Cousin Steph and her funny, funny boyfriend. And Cousin Jeff and his camera!  MY BEST FREIND J and A!  OH More great friends K and D!  

“OH thanks, a shot? OH my I haven’t had a shot in years, OK!  Sure you can buy me a drink!” 

‘What is it? I am just gonna sit here his lap.....woops I am sorry I spilled that, WOA, better stand. OMG it is my fb blogger friend! I AM SO excited to see... WOW she is tall and sooo pretty and look at her hubby!  Wow they are pretty people. I can’t believe they came.....I am so happy to see...... WOAHhhh, I don’t feel so good.  What did I just say to them?  Am I making sense?...... I shouldn't be talking.... bathroom..... must..... get to.... bathroom..... 

“OH Hi, yeah I will be right out.”

‘Pee, once I pee I will feel better.  OH I should not have sat down.  Maybe if I just shut my eyes for a minute......  UH Oh someone is knocking... I am in here, be right out.... why won’t words come out of my mouth.  Oh NO!  I am going to hurl!  NO no no no!  Don’t open mouth..... NO no no no no!  I can hear voices of my friends J and D and my good friend M.  When did she get here?  She is talking to my new blogger friend.  OH NO! please don’t let the blogger friend see me like this..... NOnononononononononononononnoooo!  I can’t be this drunk!  I just got here!  Good GOD, what the fuck was I thinking? Katie, is that you?  Are you ok, did I just kick you? HUB is in the Bathroom.  OH THANK SWEET JESUS!  HUB Get me out of here! No, I can’t talk.  Let me just shut my eyes!  Is there a back door! ....Thank God you are here. No I am not ok...... stop telling me to talk! I am gonna ........I am so sorry I just hurled on your shoes!  OH NO, GET everyone out of here.  Did they see me hurl? Can’t I wait until closing?  I will be fine right here!  I swear.  NO I don’t need to go to the hospital.  I did NOT pass out, I am just tired!  I am so so tired.  OK yes, let’s go outside, I can’t bear to see anyone! Where is the zipper on these shorts? Please just get me home.  GET ME HOME!  Wait, were is the cute belt for my shorts?  Is there puke on me?  Who put my hair in a scrunchy?  OH NO, on the way out.  Please don’t anyone see me.... EVERYONE FRIGGIN SEES ME! How can they NOT see me I am climbing into a huge white LIMO!  Ah Limo, nice cool..... so much more comfortable.... shut the door..... hello darkness my old friend, I’ve come to talk to you again’

That was it.  Fin.  I awoke in my bed, at 2am wearing underwear and my adorable new blouse.   I sat bolt upright and looked around.  I was completely sober and a bit nauseous.  NO!!!! I did NOT just miss my party!  OH MY GOD! I JUST MISSED MY PARTY!  I SUCK!  I started texting apologies.  I got on facebook and started messaging apologies.  OH NO Did I kick my friend Katie in the bathroom?  OH NO The blogger friend.  She never met me in person until NOW!  I will never hear from her again!  Who else was there?  Everything was so fuzzy. My memory was not working!  

It turns out that I missed seeing about 12-15 people who came to see me!  I felt mortified!  Luckily most of them were old friends.  Many started out at St. Alice Grade school together.  It was a reunion of sorts, since we don’t get together like we used to.  Well it was a reunion for them.   It turns out St. Alice alumni are tight.  They were kinder to me than they ought to have been.  There has even been talk of a “do-over.”   All my friends texted, messaged or called me to tell me that although it sucked that I did not get to hang out with everyone, not to sweat it.  My friend Jim was the one to point out, the fact that I am NOT a drinker is actually a good thing.  My Best Friend J told me she loved me.  My good friend M and her husband J who drove an hour and did not even get to hang out with me, still like me!  OH and my blogger friend , one of the best story tellers I have read, messaged me saying not to worry! She is still communicating with me!  (Btw - read her blog) Another couple has already set up a date for dinner. How amazing are these people?  I can’t even begin to thank them.  

I now feel akin to unfortunate guys, who will remain nameless, who “finish” before they start, jump the gun, so to speak.   I am sure they are mortified and I understand their pain now.  I got pretty well tanked on the ride downtown in the limo. There is a reason for that. I am not a drinker. It only took about 4 glasses of champagne. Premature Intoxication, if you will.  There was no need to go any further, drink wise.  

My whole thought process was skewed:  
When would I have another opportunity to have a “no worries” night?  
When would be able to have fun with so many great people?  
How often do I get into the city that I miss being in?  
Let’s live it up while we can and party like we are 20 again! 
Wrong.  All. Wrong.  
Result: My reckless abandon, cost me a great night with great people and I am no longer 20.  
Moral of the story:  Build up a tolerance before a night of binge drinking!  NO, I am kidding.  Just slow your roll.  If my BFF J or my good friend M were in the limo with me, they would have put the hammer down.  The Hub should have done that, but he was as giddy as I was.  And although I was pissed at him for letting me drink so much, I did get him back by hurling on him.  He was also sweet and endearing when he squeezed into that tiny bathroom stall and stayed with me until I could get up.  

So for all you moms out there who are getting a “no worries” night out, prevent premature intoxication.  Enjoy it, ALL of it, but in order to do that, take it slow, backpedal, pump the brakes, and use the buddy system.  Friends don’t let friends who are 40 act like they are 20, no matter how good they look!  Mazel Tov!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Happy 40th

Forty..... FORTY?  Yes, F O R T Y!  Wow.  I guess it means different things to different people.  I go back and forth.  The thing that scares me is, I just turned thirty and then ten years happened.  That ten years went by fast.  So if the next ten years happens as fast.... Fifty!?  What?  

Ages twenty to thirty went by in a blink.  I can’t even begin to describe the changes from when I was twenty!   I can’t relate to that 20-something person!   I was stubborn beyond belief. I HAD to be right.  I lied to myself and others so no one would know who I really was, nor get past my guard. I went from an unhealthy long term relationship into a frenzied, multiple partnered, dating scene that would have made Lil Kim blush.  (See, Lil Kim was this rapper who was hot when I hot.) 

Then there was this guy, who casually put a D’Angelo CD in his stereo when I went to his apartment at 2am after a party.  He was calm, cool and in no rush.  I fell in love.  In REAL love, like a slap up the side of the head love.  We moved in together and I morphed into thirty.   

At thirty, we had just gotten married, had no children, were renting a townhouse and I was working full time.   Ten years later, here I am,  house/mortgage, 11 years of marriage, fertility treatments, miscarriage, births, home raising 2 boys, hospital stays, much laughter, car accident, selling Avon, dog, breakdowns, breakthroughs and little league.  

It seems like a whirlwind.  I made my life what it is, and I love my life.  I sincerely never thought that this kind of life was possible. I still hold a fear that it will all go away.  I can’t seem to get enough therapy to dispel that fear.  It is not an all encompassing one, just a nagging one that gets in the way at times.   

I am still very much in love with my husband.  He makes me laugh and I am still amazed watching him father our boys. My sons are the revelation of joy. Yes, there are times they drive me to tears.  There are times they make me bat shit crazy.  There are times I need to be away from them.  But for the most part, I am the happiest when I am with them.  I am so humbled that I am their mother and am raising them.     

Forty can be very liberating.  I have been through enough to know that no one, not one person in this world, can tell me what to do.  I answer to no one, except myself.  I make up the rules in my life.  Yes, there are responsibilities that I have and most I hold dear.  I chose to take on those responsibilities and since I am older I choose very carefully.   I still struggle with ideologies and theologies and philosophies. But I am enjoying the learning in that struggle. I am finding my way closer to Love, Peace and Light within myself. I have learned to not take things too personally or too seriously.   It is not worth the time and energy put into it.  I don’t want to be the cause of anyone else’s pain or even discomfort, but I do not feel the need to change who I am to accommodate someone else’s sensitivities. I will not be brought into drama, aggravation or ignorance.  I will respectfully walk away from them and wish them all the best.  

I do not look like I did when I was a young, firm, bounce a quarter off of it, 20 something.  I worked out then to look good to others.  I will work out now because I love my life and want to live longer.  I want to feel what my body is still capable of doing.  I want to lose myself in the practice of Yoga or Zumba, or dancing, or whatever physical activity I participate in.  I am not gray haired yet, although the white strands are slowly starting to turn into streaks.  My face is not wrinkled but is not as taut as it once was. My scars, stretch marks, saggy boobs and weak bladder are my battle wounds and I wear them with pride. With 40 I am realizing that I am not my hair or my face or my body or even my thoughts.  What I am, is a  beautiful, timeless soul and I need to treat myself and others as such.  I have been given so much in my 40 years.  I am grateful, humbled and astounded at my life.  This birthday is my 40th and I am happy.