Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

The line was very faint.

I did it again and the line was darker.  

Different brand and the plus sign was there.

I jumped into the bed with The Hub and showed him the sticks.  Finally!  Finally, after trying for almost 2 years and I was pregnant.  It was a sigh of relief.  No more fertility shots and runs to the Dr.  No more stressing every month.  We did it.  

I called my fertility Dr. and got in to see him.  The blood work came back positive.  I went in again for the initial ultrasound to see the gestational sac in the lining of my uterus. The little Pebble was there!  I got more blood work.  The Dr. called me that same day.    My hcg levels were not doubling like they should.  He said to wait 2 days and come back.  I did, the levels were continuing to go down.  I was miscarrying.  

The Pebble wasn’t staying. Pebble was leaving.  I was only 6 weeks along so I would just have to wait for it to be over.  I had been emotional from the hormones, to begin with, so the chances of me handling this well were slim.  

I cried.  I was pissed.  The anger was unrelenting.  I cried.  I felt broken and not whole.  I cried. I could not get pregnant like most women do. Then I could not stay pregnant.   I was angry and tired and frustrated.

I stopped crying.  I looked at First Born and said, ‘I must focus on him.  I am Momma. I don’t have a choice.  I did a beautiful thing in making him and I needed to cherish that.’ The Hub and I decided we would continue to try to get pregnant.  

7 days later. BAM.  Literally, BIG BAM. I was t-boned by a Jeep Grand Cherokee.  I was driving my old Nissan Sentra.   

I don’t remember the accident.  I do remember parts of the helicopter ride.  I do remember screaming for my First Born who was, thankfully, not in the car at the time of the accident.  I do remember the pain.  The white hot pain.  

The accident broke my collar bone, pelvic bone, pubic bone, 2 vertebra and gave me a concussion.  I also remember having the Trauma Dr.  yell as they were bringing me to get a cat scan and xrays.  He stopped the gurney and said.  “The blood work says you are pregnant.” My hope sparked for only an instant before I realized that it was not warranted. I had already been bleeding for 6 days, I knew the Pebble was gone.

I felt Pebble leave me 4 days prior. I explained that I had miscarried and had been bleeding and still was.  The Dr. said he had to call my fertility Dr. to verify.   Anger.  My word was not good enough?  Fuck You Doc.  When was the last time you miscarried?  Oh wait, you can’t, you have a dick.  Why don’t you call my other Doc who also has a dick so you two dicks can confirm what is happening inside my uterus?  No hurry I am only broken apart and possibly bleeding internally, but please, cover your ass.  (some of my anger is still there)

I healed.  It was difficult to say the least.  First Born was only two and a half.  I still rocked him to sleep every night. He was away from me for the first time for the week I spent in the Trauma Unit.  He was not able to see me.   I was devastated.  

I did not have time to wallow in self pity, I needed to get my life back.  My beautiful, wonderful, blissful life with First Born and The Hub.  I worked hard.  I healed.  We took a year off from trying to conceive.  

If I had not miscarried, my broken bones would not have been able to carry the pregnancy.  If I had not miscarried, I probably would have from the impact. 

Little One did not make his presence known until 2 years later.  He stayed.  He did not leave.  It was another hard fought battle of 9.5 weeks on hospitalized bed rest to keep him in my belly then another 18 days in the NICU to keep him healthy.  But he is here and I was blessed again.    

I can not have more children of my own.  It makes me sad at times.  I always wanted a lot of children.  If I could get pregnant and carry babies I would have had 2 more.  But it was not meant to be.  I adore my boys.  I am so very, very thankful -  thankful is not enough of a word for what I am - I am enveloped in humbleness by my children.  My love for them is stronger than all the forces of nature.  My blessings are not measurable.  My children are my greatest contribution to this world.  

At times I think about what Pebble would have been.  I think maybe Pebble was my girl.  Then I think, if I had the Pebble, maybe I would not have had Little One.   Pebble came and left for a reason.  A reason, I may never know, but a reason none the less.  

Today is October 15th,  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.   This is dedicated to all the little Pebble’s who left. No matter how short of a time you were with us, you have impacted our lives.  Momma loves you, thank you.  

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