She is a real bitch. She doesn’t like me very much. She tells me that I am a fake; that I am lazy and inadequate. She makes sure I know that I am never going to be enough.
She calls me dramatic and overly sensitive. She criticizes the way I parent, the way I dress, the way I keep my house, and my marriage. She tells me that I am dumb, but pretend to be smart. She sees right through me. She knows my weaknesses and actively uses them against me. Being a “ditz” is something that I fear, and she makes sure I feel like a ‘ditz’ most days.
She catches me being a lazy parent and letting them watch just one more show, sets her off. Even though I hide from her, she always catches me eating when I am not supposed to be. I think that she is sleeping late at night when I sneak to the kitchen and devour something sweet. But when I turn around she is right there, marching me back up the stairs and making me stand on the scale to see the damage I am doing. She looks at the clock and tells me that I am lazy because if I just work a little harder, I could make it to the gym AND do the laundry. But I have no discipline.
She looks at my husband and tells me that he could never really love a woman as lazy and dependent as me. He stays because he is a good man and would not want to hurt the kids. But any time he is away from me he is much happier. She assures me that when he tells me that he loves me, or hugs me that he is only trying to “get some.” She makes sure I know that when he does nice things for me it is because he wants me to do nice things for him in return.
She lets me know that when my children are acting out or misbehaving, it is directly because of me and my lazy parenting. When people compliment my children she makes me aware that they only act nice around other people, because they don’t like being with me.
She makes me question everyone’s motives, constantly. She is so toxic and debilitating. When I am struggling with depression or anxiety she is the happiest, and makes me believe that I am damaged beyond repair. She loves being in control but criticizes me for being a control freak.
Every once in a while she makes me feel a little superior by pointing out other peoples’ bad behavior. But when I try to have sympathy for those people, she calls me weak and a pushover.
She points out my wrinkles, my saggy breasts, my stretch marks, the bags under my eyes, my hair, my face. She makes sure I put my Spanx on every day, so no one else can see my muffin top.
When I do get to the gym to work out, she is a little weaker but then she makes me feel guilty for focusing so much on myself and tells me I am vain and self centered. If I need time alone or away from the kids, she is right there with me the entire time, telling me that I don’t deserve to be a mother.
She makes me spend money telling me that that will make me feel better and then criticizes me for going into debt. She is strong.
But I am stronger. She cannot make me feel ‘less-than’ anymore. She will NOT control me.
I am enough just as I am.
I am enough even on my bad days. I am not afraid of her. She has been my companion for too long. I will not listen to her. It is my choice and I will make that choice.
When I feel weak, I will listen to my real friends and loved ones, who tell me that I am enough.
I am enough and I am powerful.
I am enough and I am strong.
I am enough and I am beautiful.
I am enough and I will prosper.
I am enough and I am love.
I am love and light and power.
Even as I type this she is whispering “Who the fuck do you think you are? You sound ridiculous and self centered.”